Alert! Consumer spending dropped a full percentage point last month. Americans are big spenders and our GDP is so heavily dependent on our outrageous shopping habits that the current recession could be drastically extended if we don’t embrace our patriotic duty to shop shop shop. Good news for temptation, as Hammacher Schlemmer’s catalogue showed up unsolicited in my mailbox.

Hammacher Schlemmer’s line is “Offering the Best, the Only and the Unexpected for 160 years.” This Christmas, I’m desperately hoping to unwrap the Fish Agility Training Set from the “Last Minute Gift” 2008 catalogue. The price is $39.95. I’m terribly impressed that HS could assign a value to “a complete set of underwater activities” that “allows you to train your pet fish to perform a series of agility maneuvers.” Underneath the photograph and product description in the catalogue is a small box promising: “The items we sell are unconditionally guaranteed for life.” Whose life? The fish’s, Hammacher Schlemmer’s, or mine?

I also need the R2-D2 Aquarium in order to combine two passions I’ve never had: Star Wars and fish maneuver training. The Aquarium’s a little pricey at $129.95, but comes with LED tank lights that randomly morph between red, blue and green.

Other standouts? The Full Bottle Wine Glass for $24.95, “a favorite gift among our customers” that holds 2 liters of wine. This is perfect for those of us who like to have that “one” glass of wine at night to unwind. Self-delusional of course, but terribly effective.

Then there’s the Men’s Extended Reach Body Hair Groomer for $49.95. I get that I am not the intended audience for this product but am still slightly horrified that anyone might need an electronic body hair trimmer with a “hinged handle that extends up to 3 inches and locks into place at nine different angles.”

I dog-eared a special page containing the Wearable Blanket ($49.95), a 100% polyester plaid onesie for adults, and the Irish Walking Cape ($499.95) an extremely expensive opportunity to be mistaken for a troll or hobbit. “One size fits most” looks more like “one size fits a friendly giant.” On that same page is the Golf Ball Finding Glasses ($39.95), although an avid golfer told me that the glasses don’t work that well.

Someone, please tell me that you have been on the receiving end of something fabulous from Hammacher Schlemmer. Did the product live up to the lifetime guarantee?? Dying to know…

Happy December.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR —

I've traveled to India and watched the Hindus wake up Mother Ganges. I lived in Italy during September 11th when the Italians draped the Ponte Vecchio with an American flag, and I watched the Italians procrastinate until December 31st to transition from the Lire to the Euro. Tourists have pushed me off the sidewalk on 5th Avenue, and I have been laid off twice in one year. I've worked in the White House Social Office and welcomed guests on behalf of the President. I've been molested on the subway on my way to work but then been rescued by an undercover New York City police officer. I've eaten bagels in the Gehry-designed Conde Nast cafeteria and produced quarter of a million dollar photoshoots for Vogue. I've served food to the homeless in New York and delivered meals to the housebound in DC. I've run a half-marathon in Birmingham and been encouraged to 'keep up the good work' by a white-haired old man as he hauled by. I've toured the Three Gorges in China before the dam raised the water level and been told by a Beijing man that it is the Southern Chinese who eat 'little brown spotted dogs'. I've danced in the Orangerie at Versailles to Jimmy Buffett beneath a statue of Louis XIV singing 'Here Comes the Sun'. I've watched President Bush put his hand on Putin's shoulder and call him 'my good friend.' I've watched Russian tanks roll into Georgia on CNN. I've sent a note of condolence to the mother of a friend my age who died in September of a rare neurological disease. I am a great admirer of etiquette because good manners can transform you into royalty but inconsideration makes tatters from glamour. Manners are not a minefield. They are a 'lets try hard to make this other person more comfortable'. The true secret behind lovely etiquette and flawless entertaining is to make an effort. Yes: effort/strain/brawn/sweat/struggle/learn-the-rules/apply-them, and the energy expended absolutely pays off.

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